I was born the year of the white mans god 1996, in my first five years of life I remember being happy it was when I turned 6 it changed We uprooted our lives leaving behind everything I knew all my friends& family, gone. When we arrived in Suisun it was time to start school. I began school there not knowing anyone or anything a fresh page in the book of my life.I felt alone, I was new and different &everyone pointed it out. I had two friends who I was close to for a long time, they both liked the same things I did and understood me, but soon after they left. Once my friends left I was bullied, like most I guess, it forced me to build up a wall to defend myself but instead of fighting I ignored it. All the labels made me feel like I could never belong never be accepted, I just wanted friends like everyone else,I was alone, I tried so hard just to be liked , my friends became my teachers for a long time. 5th grade came and I thought I had found a friend, someone who actually wanted to hangout with me ,His name was j¥£?$, i don't know why but he ended up going to my house and hangout with me and then told everyone I ate worms, and insulted my family. Now I know that seems like the smallest thing but in my world it was huge, the only person I had trusted turned on me ,after that I vowed to never let anyone that close again, I couldn't trust anymore. Soon after middle school started.

I saw it as a new beginning instead it was where I learned to hate myself, there I learned I was nothing. I was a loser, a dweeb that played bagman & Pokémon, a loser who couldn't even get into band because I didn't know enough about music. I wanted to disappear everyday, I pretended to be sick just so I could go home, I was failing classes trying to understand but never learning. I was alone, still yearning for friendship wanting to be acknowledged but I had to move on so I could do better in high school. I ended up talking to all the people who I'd gone to elementary and middle school with trying to make friends again, I was hoping that maybe because we were all new I could maybe be friends with them now.  It worked for a moment and for a little time I was distracted by how busy life got, I couldn't see how alone I still was because I kept trying so hard to be accepted...in the end I was alone again.

After graduation I lost everything once again, I had messed up...I got drunk and made a fool of myself because I just wanted to be accepted. Nonetheless I was left alone, after that everyone I knew didn't talk to me, it seemed as though I had died. I left for a month after that I came back and went to school again trying to just get though it all. I remember the day I lost everything again, it all happened in November. That month it felt like I was a ghost everyone who talked to me seemed to just pass by me, only introductions and simple questions about how I was doing nothing new. Time passed and I still tried finding friends people who would maybe help me get better. It's been three years now since then and I'm still searching. I still feel alone even though I'm surrounded by people who say they love me, I know it's selfish and stupid to feel this way but for some reason I still feel no one cares...it's fine of course, I've just always wanted a friend to be their you know? Someone to stand besides me and help me fight against the world so it wouldn't all feel so impossible. 

Fast forwarding to the present, im now slowly getting better, i still feel alone but not all the time. The people I've met in the past six months have all helped me so much in moving forward , granted they don't really know but I don't think id be typing this right now if it weren't for all the love and support I've gotten this year. Im still growing and learning , the past is in the past and thats where it will stay but now , hopefully, you can understand me a little more 

-abe